My Sanctuary

a sign or something?

TommyT — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 03:57:32 +0000

of all the things that happen, why must it be this? i have tried to forget, tried to avoid, yet it still comes back to haunt me. last thing, of all the times it must happen? why must be it now? immediately after i made such a decision?

i think throughout this exchange i have learnt a lot. all of a sudden i just have a mix of emotions. one part is missing my family after watching Home alone 2, another is happy seeing that though Gary was angry with Leroy, they patched back really fast. another is seeing Leroy and abby getting closer and also all of us being today.

the last is about someone who kept a promise. or rather the promise has not been fulfilled, but somehow i think i know the purpose behind that move. somehow i just think that, if i did not really matter, why keep that promise? i think i cant make too many guesses any more. i just have to leave it up to fate, to God.

Dear God, is this the path that you want me to take? I am just so confused. it just does not tally with anything……… sighzzzz i shall take this leap of faith….

Disappointment

TommyT — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 02:42:04 +0000

Haizzzz i have no where else to vent other then this private blog of mine. today my exchange group of friends gave me a happy surprise!!! i knew it was going to be today, but they were pretty good it diverting my attention. In the end, i was truly surprised by them. however, the moment they finished singing the song, everything felt different. Rethinking back, all i can do is put everything in point form:

1. after singing, i blew the candle and i was holding the cake. everyone just continued to do their stuff and i went around asking, “what should i do with the cake?”

2. then i continued to hang out in the room, as usual, my roomie played the song banmal and only abby and kat knew how to sing, leaving elieen and I outcasted.

3. then after eating, everyone were in their own chat room. i cleared and wiped the table, but it was alright. after that I needed to cut the cake, there were no cameras taking moments of that.

4. then finishing the cake, everyone was doing their own stuff, rehearsing french. then i felt so left out and no one saw that, then i decided to hide in my bed and sleep.

everything just felt like they were there for the sake of it. recently i was even upset with why leroy regretted going to Parc Omega, even though we drove like 5 hours to fetch up. I felt he was ungrateful. now it looks like it is my turn. for a moment, i compared. at first i thought, maybe it was the same as previous ones, just a dinner and a birthday cake will suffice. relooking back, seth’s, gary’s and abby’s, theirs were different. there was something after their birthday. it really really felt like they just here for the sake of it.

it is difficult to accept it, i just really need to learn to be grateful. that being a giver, someone who is always thinking of giving, it is just hard to see what is being received. i tend to ask for a little more, begging God for just a little more. all i asked was the whole atmosphere, but looks like i am the only one who can pull it off. thinking back, i always bought gifts for them after my trips. i have never receive a single gifts.

today was suppose to be a happy day, but it ended with disappointment. o well, life goes on.

i pray hard for this, to have this faith, to learn and grow from it. i know it is difficult, but ya…….. i am only human…… sighz

Sleepless night

TommyT — Sun, 31 Jul 2011 21:35:19 +0000

I just cant sleep now…. so many things are running through my mind. Few years back I told myself, I will changed to distrust friends, or to be more precise, be selective with the help I give to friends. Be selfless and always look after my own first. As expected, it is becoming true. Slowly, I can just do things on my own. I do not need to tell people what I am doing. I do not need to get people in order to go to a place. Most importantly, I have gotten rid of obligations, slowly……

I do not care what the world tells me. I do according to what I want…….. now i have to decide what I want to do in my life. It is just so difficult…….

Fate

TommyT — Mon, 04 Jul 2011 02:04:00 +0000

I need to resist the temptation. I know it is hard but
i will need to let go. Although I want to believe in faith
but somehow I think this is a much better path. Whatever
it is, if it is really fate, then let fate decide.
I know that no matter what I do, as long as it is fate,
then I shall never be able to escape it.

Start seeing things

TommyT — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 02:39:29 +0000

There are many things I realised recently, after seeing and hearing around.I told myself many times, I want to be myself and I want to be who I want to be. In the end, I will always end up the person people want me to be. If someone were to ask me, what have I accomplished? I can start talking and maybe share some of my life experiences. The actual fact is, what have I really accomplished in life?

These days I always try to suck up to my boss by throwing him random ideas and discussion topics to talk about. However, I got a lot more from him than I expected. I will always try to address issues and address risks before implementation. He will always respond, “Tommy, you have this many ideas, and this many worry. In the end, how many ideas are you going to start?” It stopped me for a while. All my life, I have been worried, thinking about all the risks. I am going nowhere. I have learnt recently that I am able to rebound faster, get back on my feet and move forward quickly. Though a few brakes here and there, I think I can take failures better this time round.

A friend told me yesterday, though subtlely, “Can’t trust Tommy to get things done”. These days, I think I need to start thinking about the things people are saying around me and start doing something right. I need to start moving.

Friends

TommyT — Mon, 13 Jun 2011 12:42:05 +0000

Hahahha here I am whining about my friend again…. Yes I know why am i thinking so much about a guy. Probably because I might be turning gay…. the other reason. He is irritating me to the max and people assumes that we are still the best of friend. People asked me, so where is that guy, what is he doing? I wanted to say, I do not give a freaking damn! but dear lord, I am just the worrisome guy who is afraid of consequences, and so I replied, he went out somewhere. =p

Time to chronic one of my biggest regret

TommyT — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 04:29:04 +0000

One of my biggest regret, not listening to myself and decided to face the consequence. I knew that this guy will put me through a lot of stuff, yet I still helped him and got him into this internship with. My God….. I thought I could go through with this consequence, I thought I could deal with it. I guess I cant anymore.

Do I want to be myself again? I am tired……

Tommy, it is fine to be just normal friends. Put away the past and wanting it back anymore. He used to be a great friend who watched out for every needs you have. A good friend to have, but you knew this will happen. All along, you were worried that would happen and guarded yourself. You took a risk and have to bare with the consequence. Dun lose yourself. Otherwise, it will become the biggest regret you have.

Five years ago….

TommyT — Sun, 05 Jun 2011 12:04:40 +0000

Five years ago, I told myself, I foresaw myself with no emotions, do not care about friends and friends arent just as important. I told myself, I highly doubt I would become that. At present, i have been to a couple of gatherings, with people whom I hardly saw. After the thing, usually I would feel some tingling feeling, like I felt good meeting these friends. However, recently I just felt nothing. I have become unemotional.

Recently, a friend of mine working in the same company put me down. I felt threatened and decided to tell Boss what I have done, to get as much credit as possible. The rest did not managed to catch up. Usually, I would not care about competition, my friend’s well being is important, now, my reputation is utmost importance…

JF….. what have become of me?…….

Friends again…..

TommyT — Mon, 30 May 2011 16:35:32 +0000

Ok i have many things to vent and I am going to do away with the grammar and write in whatever style i want.

I do not know what is happening to me these days. especially with a friend of mine. I kept thinking and thinking. Probably even overthink things. He was a friend of mine I met last year through a CCA. Knowing his horoscope, I knew he was a guy whom I do not want a close friendship with. Knowing that one day he will disappoint me, on my birthday. Thus, preventing that from happening, I refuse to stick with him for long. As time goes by, we kept going out and probably see each other frequently. He was such a nice friend who buys me breakfast everyday, wait for me at the bus stop and it was constant chatting. One day, everything just stopped. I thought there was gal in his life and he denied. So I wondered, maybe he is treating me like a fool, and so I digged further. In the end, I knew they were not together. I started to think and think, and wonder, what have I done wrong? What have I done different? Although I have a thought, but i chose to hide it away. Today I asked a question, are you angry with me? No. Are you disappointed in me? No. You mean are you fine with me? Yes.

Then I felt, I need stop here, I shall not ask further. Then I made a statement that he was an emo shit. It triggered his anger. It finally trigger an emotion in him. I was like finally… However, I guess I played with fire. I thought I could redeem myself, but he just walked away. He din bother to reply my plea to talk over dinner.

I predicted that something like would happen, now I have to bear the consequence. Stupid me. Why did I pull him into the same company, know this will happen? I guess it is God’s will. You not getting an intern, I went, only if you asked me then I will ask my boss, then hell knows why our mutual friend ask him to ask me. Then, how in a world would a boss agree to my request to interview him, interview him on the spot and agree to have him in, although there are already tons of other interns. Becos of this, everything else fell in place.

The best part, only just last week, I asked “God please prove to me whether this guy is a great friend to have?” Yes God, I have my answers………

Horoscope

TommyT — Fri, 27 May 2011 09:46:12 +0000

When I read your blog, I thought you were someone who placed friendship as important. I thought you were someone who would cherish friendship as I did. However, as the stars have told me, you were not any different from the rest. I did this test now, so as to predict the future. To know if my theories were right. As so it seems, I guess I was not wrong.